Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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