i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize