Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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