I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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