i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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