I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
