I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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