Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
