I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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