i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I can feel your judgement through the phone
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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