how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
