Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
