Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
