Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
