I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
