I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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