I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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