Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
