I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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