Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
