First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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