What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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