and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
