Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
