yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
