My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
