It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
