i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He's on the porch naked. Help.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
