I'm lost and stupid without you.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Randomize
