i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
they're like a gay fantastic four
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
