i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
