This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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