Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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