Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
