im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
