This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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