if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
