I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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