I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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