Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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