That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
