Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
