You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
