I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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