I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
