I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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