I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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