so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
