I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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