my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
