Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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