The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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