so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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