dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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