there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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