i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
