i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize