Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
