I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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