Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
