My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
