My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
